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Kesa maiasa  After listening to a particular presentation at the ACTFL conference yesterday, I am trying to enter the twentyfirst century: to introduce new vocabulary to students in a Powerpoint presentation rather than writing the new words on the board. It came highly recommended by the presenter, who said he could never go back to teaching French any other way. This evening, I must have spent over two hours making up 20 Powerpoint slides on the topic of likes and dislikes, and associated Japanese grammar, which my first semester Jse students will be learning after Thanksgiving break. It sucked me in and was fun, but needless to say, if this is going to become a regular method for me, I will have to get much faster at putting these things together. After all, I have three different classes, and they usually get some amount of new words every day! I resolve to be patient with myself in this. I will not expect myself to deliver every new vocabulary item in every class by Powerpoint. But if I can, and the students are entertained by it (and therefore remember the words better), great. Now I'm off to bed so I can get up very early and go to the airport tomorrow. Madison, here I come! Current mood:  satisfied.
I wavered about it till the very last day, but I have decided to try attending the ACTFL conference today. I'm up early enough, I'm going to get dressed and breakfasted and take the trolley to the convention center. Where I anticipate standing in line, possibly for a long time, and paying day-of registration fees, probably very expensive (but that's what credit cards are for). I just couldn't justify staying home like a depressed lump when ACTFL is right here in the city where I live. Also, if I weren't going to ACTFL, I might as well have scheduled my flight to Madison for today instead of Monday. I'm still nervous, even though I'm not responsible for giving any presentations or anything. I am never too good at schmoozing/small talk with people I don't know well, and my moods of late have just made me want to hide from other people in general. And this is the biggest foreign language conference in the country - prior to this, I've only been to the Wisconsin and California state-level ones. I do expect to see Japanese teachers I've met before, local colleagues, and they don't know yet that I'm pregnant and therefore not going to the J-CAP competition in the spring. Actually, I probably couldn't get a team of kids together anyway because one of the most knowledgeable ones says her mom doesn't let her do anything other than go to school and come home. Anyway, enough blathering, I'd better get ready. Current mood: awake. While playing a rhyming game with my ESL students over the past couple days, I discovered nobody has ever taught them English vowels. As in, there are more than five. They were saying things like "hot rhymes with hat," because to their Spanish-speaking ears, both are "ah" sounds. So today when I came home from work, I tried to make up an activity based around different vowel sounds, sort of like what I studied in Phonology in grad school. All I ended up with is something that will probably confuse them more - because things that don't sound the same are spelled the same (boot vs. foot), and things that do sound the same are not (late and weight). I knew English was a hard language, with ridiculously out-of-date spelling conventions, but - how does anyone ever successfully learn this stuff? Grad school taught me (in excruciating detail) the characteristics of the vowels, but not how to explain them to non-native speakers. Sigh. ( Meanwhile, I got some medical good news and bad news. ) Now for some brief dinner, then I have to grade today's second-semester Japanese test. Which a number of students turned in without even trying, so I guess that makes less for me to grade. Sigh again. Current mood:  discouraged.
Yesterday was really good. While Erik computer gamed, I went on a longer walk than I've ever done from our apartment. I got all the way to the Ocean Beach Pier, and on the way I stopped and got a book from the Ocean Beach library (just a minute before they closed for the day!), bought a pregnancy-appropriate blouse on sale for $10, and had ice cream. My plan was to take the bus back, and I did catch the first bus, but missed the connecting one. So I took the trolley to Morena/Linda Vista instead, where Erik picked me up. The only problem with taking such a long walk is that at the end of it, my left knee hurt. But other than that, it was really a fine day. I have to balance that with the anxiety and sadness I was feeling today. Current mood:  pensive.
( Pictures between 24 and 25 weeks of pregnancy ) ( And just for fun, Erik and me on Halloween ) Current mood:  silly.
The week is over. This week I found myself cooking more often - though not every night, because some nights we just ate leftovers. I was cooking more often because Erik has been feeling kind of bummed himself and didn't want to cook any of the nights this week. He says he'll do better next week. I managed to successfully use some of the CSA produce: Swiss chard in a quiche, and potatoes and leeks in potato leek soup (go figure). But I also failed to use up some things in the fridge before they went bad, and so had to throw them away today. I hate doing that - paying money for food and then missing my chance to use it. But it's better to throw it away than to get sick from eating it when it's gone bad, I suppose. I still don't look very pregnant, but more so than before. The secretary at school says it's because I'm having a girl; if it were a boy, I'd have more of a belly sticking out in front - she says. I've heard that before, but I don't know if it's an old wives' tale or not. In any case, baby has been making her presence felt in the form of movement. That's definitely an exciting development. Today I entered first quarter grades in the computer for my students. May the second quarter go better than the first! Tonight Erik and I are going out to dinner and a play with cczernia. Erik doesn't know if scout1222 is coming along or not.
Current mood:  blah.
So there was a Halloween weekend, and the falling back of the clocks, and the payment of a November rent check. I did three things to continue battling the depression: acupuncture, yoga, and talking on the phone with an old Madison friend. Yesterday I did find that I had energy to do stuff, though unfortunately not school-related stuff. Instead I used the energy to clean and organize around the apartment. Erik and I dismantled the futon we had been using forever as a couch, kept the mattress, but got rid of the frame. Now our living room is home to Margie's old couch, which is slightly bigger and comfier than the futon was. In the course of cleaning, I came across a lot of things that reminded me of myself when I wasn't depressed. I found a copy of our wedding vows. I found some cards written by students last year who really liked the way I taught, and thanked me. And I found a quote I had written on a plain piece of paper: I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I can't accept not trying. - Michael Jordan So the current plan is to try to include this idea with my affirmations and other work. For weeks - almost two months - I've been going back and forth between thinking I have to work harder, and thinking it's OK to do the bare minimum because I'm pregnant and uninspired at school. I hope the quote will remind me that I'm OK as long as I am trying, but I need to keep trying. Of course, then I was anxious all night (and woke up many times) because I didn't feel I had tried hard enough on the ESL lesson plan for today. Oh well, it's progress, not perfection ... Current mood: awake. The acupuncturist I saw on Tuesday talked to me about chakras, and gave me a list of affirmations to open blocked ones. Apparently, the chakras I have trouble with are the second (sacral), sixth (third eye), and seventh (top of my head). The associated affirmations are: I am grounded in my emotions; I can clearly see my vision; and I connect easily and effortlessly to my source/light/Higher Power. I was feeling really anxious in the night, so I repeated those lines whenever I woke up. In between, I had strange dreams. The other thing the acupuncturist stressed to me is the importance of drinking water all day, because I have been seriously dehydrated. I agree with her up to that point, but I'm not sure I agree that it has to be this super-purified water that comes in a glass bottle she recommends. Yesterday I was drinking much more water than usual, with the inevitable result that several times during the day I had to go to the bathroom really badly during class, and had to wait till class was over. Which is also something they warn against - holding it when you have to go - because it can cause UTIs, especially in pregnant women. But what can I do? My school has long class periods. I can be more careful and try to time my water drinking to the times when I can go to the bathroom. But I'm not sure how well it will work. I broke with my schedule yesterday and didn't go to choir practice, because it was amberdisa's birthday, and she called and asked Erik and me out to dinner. It was good to see her.I hope today at work is "as OK" as yesterday. I can't quite say it was "good," but it was "OK." Current mood: okay.
I took a lot of comfort yesterday from people's comments that the pregnancy might indeed account for my current lack of inspiration. I think I will choose to believe it, because that way I don't feel so guilty. Blaming myself and feeling guilty just makes it harder to function. I also opened up to the teacher I share a classroom with yesterday, with the result that he admitted to not always knowing what activities to do with his classes either. This was an improvement over the two of us sitting in the same room after school, working so silently that the atmosphere felt stifling. I feel better when I connect with coworkers. And it's Friday, and not just any Friday - tonight Erik finally gets back from San Francisco, and I get to pick him up at the airport and welcome him home again! Current mood: okay.
My weekend was good in that lots of people took care of me while Erik is (still) away. Went to see the movie "Zombieland" on Saturday with coworker friends, which was funny, and then had dinner with them too. Sunday I went to a music guild practice where I played almost no music, but instead spent the time learning to knit from eowyns. Did yoga on both days - Saturday from a DVD, Sunday at the actual prenatal yoga class.I was completely exhausted when I got home yesterday - ready to sleep even before 8 p.m. But I had to do laundry, so I slept on the couch and kept waking up to put more quarters in the dryer. When the laundry was done, I went to bed immediately, without even folding & putting it away. (Too bad I couldn't send some of my sleepiness your way, alienorh!)I still have no brilliant, inspiring ideas for how to teach my ESL class. But Julie is going to work with me on that after school today. I wonder if this might finally be the week when my depression starts to lift and I become more able to function again? Current mood: hopeful.
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